Parents always worry about their children, even if they have grown up. But sometimes parental care suffocates and wildly infuriates. If you are sixteen and your mother asks you to be home by eleven, this is not overprotection but caution. But if at thirty your parents call several times a day and demand to report all your plans, this is already too much. We tell you how to explain to mom and dad that you have grown up and can care for yourself without hurting them.
Why Parents Overprotect
Overprotection is the easiest way for parents to show that they love their children.
Jacob, 30, lives with his parents. Mom constantly puts things in order in his room. She arranges his books and papers in a sequence only she knows, and Jacob can’t find anything afterwards. Mom recently threw out her favourite Jacob jeans. They were with holes in the knees – my mother said she would buy Jacob decent trousers instead.
Mom loves her son, so she helps him as much as possible. It is not difficult for her to tidy up his room. This is her way of caring and showing that she cares about Jacob. Mom was very upset when Jacob yelled at her for throwing away his jeans.
Also, when a child grows up and begins to live his own life, it seems to parents that they are about to be forgotten and stop loving. They are afraid of becoming unnecessary.
Emma moved out of her parents at 23, right after university. Now her mother calls her several times a day and sometimes, without warning, appears on the threshold of Emma’s house with the words: “I was passing by here, I decided to look. I’ll cook soup for you and help you replant the flowers.”
When Emma moved in, her parent’s house was empty, and Emma’s mom was lonely. Therefore, she is looking for an extra reason to see her daughter.
Some parents have high anxiety levels, so they overprotect their adult children. Mom and dad grew up in a situation that traumatized them. For example, two men squeezed my mother into a corner when she was 17. Since then, she does not trust people on the street and is afraid that this will happen again with her daughter. Anxious parents transfer their fears to their children and try to protect them from all the bad things that happen in their lives.
Mason is a programmer. He works remotely and makes good money. But his parents constantly tell him that Internet work is incomprehensible and unstable. They want to find a regular office job for their son. Dad asks friends if they need an assistant. Mom is looking for vacancies and sends offers to Mason in Viber. This makes him very angry.
Mason’s mother is an economist by education. Still, she has been working as a personnel officer in a grocery store all her life. She regrets her career path and is afraid Mason will be stupid now and will not work in her speciality. Mason is a lawyer by training, and his mother does not understand why he spends time on IT.
How to Talk to Parents: First Steps
Listen To Yourself
To start a conversation with your parents, you must first deal with your feelings. Think about what especially annoys you in your parents’ behaviour and what you can close your eyes to. Make a list. Make two columns in it: “I am comfortable when …” and “I am uncomfortable when …”. Relying on your desires, do not think about your parents’ expectations.
This list should not contain items you are trying not to offend your parents: they will not see this list anyway. For example, there should not be an item, “I feel uncomfortable when my mother buys groceries and brings them to my house. But I love her, so let her come.” Be selfish.
Jacob does not like that his mother comes into his room without asking and tidies up his things. On the other hand, he is constantly at work and needs more time to put things in order himself. Jacob doesn’t seem to mind having his mom clean up, but throwing away your favourite jeans is too much!
Put Yourself In The Shoes Of Your Parents
Try to figure out why your parents are so worried about you. You may have been sick a lot and seriously as a child. Now parents are worried that your temperature will rise to over forty as soon as you move out, and there will be no one around. Ask your parents directly why they are worried about you.
At a family dinner, Mason asks why his parents are looking for a “normal” job for him. Mom and dad say that their youth fell in the nineties: there was not enough money, and there were no products in stores. Mason’s father was lucky, through acquaintances, to get a job at a factory. Only thanks to this the family survived the crisis. Now the parents are afraid that the situation will repeat itself, so they want Mason to have a stable job in the office from 9 to 18 with official employment, health insurance and pension contributions.
Speak Your Personal Boundaries
Your parents may not even know that you don’t like something. They think they are doing the right thing when they surround you with care. Therefore, they may only notice if they do it. When you feel your parents are going too far, tell them about it – but in a calm tone and without getting personal so as not to offend.
Emma doesn’t mind her mom calling and showing up unannounced, but it’s gotten too much lately. When her mother calls her again in the middle of a meeting, Emma breaks down: “Mom, I have my own life: work, boyfriend, friends. I can’t always talk. Last Saturday, you showed up unannounced and found me and my boyfriend having sex. Do you think I enjoyed it?”
Mia’s mother was upset. She decided that her daughter did not miss her and stopped calling. Now Emma is tormented by guilt.
Emma set boundaries, but she did it on emotions and in a stressful situation. If she had called her mother back after a tense meeting, the same monologue would not have sounded so irritated and accusatory. Emma would not scold her mother: her daughter would calmly make it clear that she loves her mother and wants to see her in a way that would be convenient for both of them.
How to Tell Your Parents What’s Hindering Their Overprotection
Be Specific
Speak to parents in simple terms and make precise demands. These are hard to misunderstand or ignore. Instead of “I have my own life!” Emma could say, “If you’re coming to visit, please let us know a week in advance.”
After Jacob made a list, he realized he couldn’t forgive his mom for the jeans. Jacob told her, “Please don’t throw away my things without permission. Better call and ask to know for sure.
Use “I-Messages”
Please don’t blame your parents or point out their imperfect behaviour. Speak in the first person through the “I-message”. This statement has three parts:
- I feel. Tell me about the feelings you experience because of the specific actions of mom and dad.
- I sympathize. Say that you understand the feelings of the parents.
- I want. State your desire and how you would like your parents to behave.
Mason understands the anxiety of parents: they really had a hard time. But he loves his profession and will not leave it just because mom and dad think that working on the Internet is somehow not like that. The next day after dinner, Mason texted his parents on Viber, “Mom, dad, I’m crazy when you criticize my work. I understand this is incomprehensible and new for you, so you are not sstill determining ifve a stable future. But I want you to trust me because I am interested in stability.
Emma regrets that she yelled at her mother and offended her. She replays the conversation in her head and thinks that now she would say: “I am annoyed by your sudden calls and I want us to agree when we communicate with each other. I understand that this is hard for you: you love me and want everything to be fine with me, that’s why you call. But I’m so uncomfortable, I need to change something.”
How to Make Peace with Your Parents If a Quarrel Came Out Instead of a Conversation
Negotiate Compromises
Be flexible in your requirements. Think about what steps you can start with.
After a week of silence, Emma calls her mother. Emma apologizes and offers a compromise: they will call each other every day, but once – at 21:00. She also asks her mother to warn about visits in advance: “I feel uncomfortable when I don’t know about your arrival. I do not have time to prepare, I have to change all plans at the last moment. If we make an appointment in advance, I can make more time for you.”
Emma’s mother is uncomfortable at first, but she trusts her daughter. She soon gets used to calling once a day and letting her know when she wants to come. Now mother and daughter like to spend evenings with each other. They think about the cultural program together.
Tell Your Parents You Love Them
Remind you that you appreciate them. Even when you get angry and make demands. If you flare up, apologize. Perhaps you spoke too categorically, and instead of your request, your parents heard only orders and a cry. Wait for everyone to calm down and discuss your desires again.
Jacob is very angry with his mother because of the jeans. But my mother believes that she threw them away not in vain – it is a shame to wear such a dud. Jacob accuses his mother of getting into his life. Jacob’s mother – that he is ungrateful and could at least once say thank you to his mother. They quarrel and do not speak for two days.
Then Jacob goes to make up: in the depths of his soul, he knows that his mother did not do it out of evil, but he cannot let go of the situation. He uses the I-message to convey his pain: “Mom, I may not say this often, but know that I love you. I’m grateful for what you do for me. But I don’t feel comfortable when someone comes into my room without knocking and touching my things. I understand that you want to help, and I appreciate it. But please knock before you enter. And if you want to put things in order when I’m not at home, then put things that you consider unnecessary to the side. I’ll go back and see what I can throw out of it”.
What’s Next?
After talking to their parents, they sometimes continue to do what makes them angry. You have already directly said what infuriates you. They continue to enter the room without knocking, calling and giving advice on how to build a personal life. Be patient and keep pushing your way.
Use the Broken Record Technique
Be assertive: repeat your clearly stated request repeatedly, and don’t get into a discussion with your parents. Speak in a calm and firm voice, without irritation or causticity.
Even after her son’s request, Jacob’s mother did not stop entering the room without knocking. Jeans were followed by a favourite sweatshirt. He repeats to his mother that he does not like it. Mom starts talking:
– Are you hiding something there?
– Mom, I understand that you want to help. But my room is my personal space. I love you, but please knock.
– Actually, this apartment belongs to your father and me.
– I understand it. I am grateful that you could allocate a separate room for me. This is a significant concern. But please knock when you come to me.
– Am I supposed to knock in my own house?”
– It will be comfortable if you come into my room with a knock.
Things are moving slowly for the mother with Jacob: she is still cleaning his room without knowing her son. She reproaches Jacob for being unable to be her house’s mistress. But mom now knocks before entering and no longer throws things away.
Mason also talked to his parents, and they became less likely to offer to change jobs. But they continued doing it completely. Mason has very anxious parents, and their anxiety infuriates him. He wants to calm them down but does not understand how to do it. Mason’s irritation is accumulating. Lately, he breaks down on mom and dad because of little things. He was not only angry about talking about a career: now he is rude if his mother straightens his shirt collar, and his father advises him to buy the same drill as his.
Mason understands that he is doing well globally in his relationship with his mom and dad: it’s just that now he marks his boundaries, so it has become harder to communicate. Mason went to a psychologist: he wants to talk to a specialist about what is bothering him. He loves his parents and hopes that with the help of therapy, he will be able to sort out his feelings and will no longer lash out at his mom and dad.
You can find a great psychologist at Online-Therapy.
