Cheating has existed for as long as the institution of marriage itself and has always been a universal taboo. But the world has changed, and so has treason.Now signs of a partner’s infidelity can be calculated by “likes,” and discussions about polygamy and polyamory are confusing the very concept. Let’s figure out how to define what cheating is and what it can mean for a relationship.
What Exactly Is Treason?
It would seem that this is a simple question, to which the answer is clear to everyone. But often, this means different things.
Psychologists define betrayal and infidelity very differently in general. For some, this is exclusively sex with someone other than a spouse or partner. In the lives of others, infidelity is a broader concept that includes any secret intimacy outside of a relationship.
Most of the research focuses on sex outside of relationships. But the very concept of treason is constantly expanding. Now it can be sexting, sharing nudes, watching porn, and other secret activity in dating applications. These, of course, are still “gray zones,” and they have been studied much less. Some consider such acts to be just as betraying—and sometimes worse—than having sex with another person.
In its most general form, treason is a violation of agreements, which leads to a loss of trust. Depending on the type of relationship and the values and beliefs of the partners, these agreements may be different. Couples can agree that having couple sex with other people is okay.In this case, something that the participants “did not subscribe to” will be considered cheating: for example, a secret relationship with a third party.
How Frequently Do People Cheat?
Due to the vague concept of infidelity, it is difficult to determine how common it is. The percentage of people who have ever cheated on their partner varies greatly, from 26% to 75%. The last figure is from studies conducted among students. So many of them admitted that they had ever flirted with someone other than a partner.
The vast majority of people recognize that fidelity in a relationship is critical for them. But at the same time, partners tend not to be very realistic in assessing the likelihood that betrayal will happen in their relationship.
In a recent study, almost all participants stressed how important it is to them that their partner does not cheat on them, and they would like to know the truth if this happens. At the same time, a third of the participants admitted that they had never discussed with their partner what exactly was considered cheating and their expectations about this.
Partners tend not to be very realistic about the likelihood that cheating will happen in their relationship.
Participants in the study were also asked to imagine a “typical” person of the opposite sex and rate how capable they were of cheating. The chance to “go left” was estimated at 42%. And 9% of the participants admitted that they cheated at least once. But only 5% indicated that their partner is a person who cheats, and only 8% suggested that such a thing could happen at all.
That is, assuming that cheating is very common, people still want to hope that this will never happen to them. And often, they do not try to discuss the “rules of the game” with their partner.
Why People Cheat
Researchers identify at least eight reasons for cheating. Among them:
- sexual desire
- anger at a partner
- reaction to lack of love and neglect in a relationship
- Situational factors (the state of intoxication, “holiday romance”)
- an attempt to raise self-esteem
- desire for diversity
Cheating is seen as both a cause and a consequence of problems in a relationship or marriage. Partners in a “problem” union are more likely to cheat on each other. However, cheating does happen in happy and stable relationships. This may be due to problems that are not related to the relationship.
For example, international sex and relationship consultant Esther Perel believes that infidelity is often associated with existential experiences that take on desperate forms. That is, it can be a reaction to the loss of meaning, an identity crisis.
For example, it may be an attempt to cope with the fear of death. It is no coincidence that many “traitors” note that romance on the side allows them to “feel alive.”
Cheating can also be an attempt to be someone else, to break free from the usual social roles that confine a person. Perel cites as an example his client, a respectable housewife, who unexpectedly had an affair with her complete opposite, a handyman in tattoos. For the client, cheating on her husband became an opportunity to escape from the role of a good wife and mother and to survive a teenage rebellion that she did not have in her time.
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Of course, it is impossible to “find yourself” with the help of cheating, but even the most ideal relationship cannot solve all the problems a person has with himself. This is the same “It’s not about you, it’s about me” situation: “I’m cheating because I don’t know what to do with my life.”
Five More Scientific Cheating Facts
- It’s common to think that men are more prone to cheating than women (“That’s how nature intended it”). Research shows a more complex picture: both of them change about the same. However, men are more likely to admit they cheated, while women are more likely to hide it. This is due to pragmatic reasons: men are less condemned. The reputational loss for women is still higher.
- Cheating with someone you know is more likely than with a stranger. Perhaps this is due to the fact that we frequently find ourselves in a disposing situation with an old friend or colleague.There is another explanation: those who cheat are looking not just for sex but also for emotional intimacy, which is easier if contact has already been established with the person.
- There is some truth to the fact that cheating is a “serial” behavior. According to one study, people who have cheated in previous relationships are 3.5 times more likely to cheat in subsequent ones.
- Heterosexual men and women react differently to a cheating partner who is a man of the same gender. Men are often excited by cheating on their partners with a girl. And women are more likely to end a relationship if their partner has cheated on a man.
- Cheating is risky sexual behavior. According to a study, when people in monogamous relationships cheat, they are less likely to use condoms. perhaps because it happens unplanned.
What Happens When You Cheat
A love crisis most often leads to family therapists and becomes the reason for parting. Relationship recovery after infidelity is considered one of the most difficult problems in therapy because it causes the most damage to the family or couple.
Often, cheating leads to mental problems—the development of depression and anxiety. A partner who has been cheated on can suffer a serious blow to their self-esteem, compare themselves to another person, and even blame themselves for what happened. This can cause a deep wound and lead to a loss of self-confidence.
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The first thing to realize after infidelity is that the previous relationship is over.
There is another problem: violence. Russian researchers found that men, when talking about infidelity, tend to aggressively talk about the consequences, for example, “If my wife cheats on me, I will kill her.”
Even the mere suspicion of treason can destroy a relationship. As a result, partners must discuss and agree “on the shore” on what they mean by infidelity.
There Has Been A Shift. What’s Next?
Psychologists emphasize that the first thing to realize after infidelity is that the previous relationship is over. “As before” will no longer be. Furthermore, attempting to carry on as if nothing had happened may result in the situation repeating itself.After that, you need to make a decision: leave or stay; end the relationship or try to restore it.
Esther Perel notes that if earlier it was considered shameful to divorce or separate, now those who choose to continue the relationship after infidelity are more often and more actively condemned. Remember that no one can make decisions for you. Only you know how it will turn out—whether you are able to forgive your partner or whether betrayal puts an end to this relationship.
If you decide to leave, we have prepared nine useful tips for you on how to get over a breakup. Remember that in such a situation, it is very important to receive support from outside (from family or friends) as well as to provide it yourself. It can help alleviate feelings of loss and painful reactions.
If you decide to stay, try to think about and talk with your partner about the following points:
- Why did the betrayal happen? It’s not about making excuses or shifting responsibility. It is important to understand what led to the situation and whether something can be changed.
- How are you both feeling? Anger, resentment, pain, and shame are normal reactions. These emotions are important to recognize and express.
- What do you think of the situation? Perhaps you think that this is an unforgivable betrayal, but the partner believes that nothing special happened. It is important to be clear: It depends on whether you can continue the relationship.
- What will you do next? If you feel like it’s too hard for you and you can’t cope, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Online-Therapy has both psychologists who work with couples and specialists who can work with trauma and loss.
