Who Are You Envying? Maybe a friend with her ideal relationship? Or a friend who moved to Bali? Or a colleague who gets promoted after promotion when you really deserve it? Feeling envious is not very pleasant, and often ashamed. But there are no useless emotions – and the ability to envy also developed in people for a reason. We understand why and why we envy and how to deal with it.
What is Envy
Envy and its cousin gloating are emotions often accompanied by shame and guilt. Psychologists consider envying a social emotion that focuses on comparing yourself to others. At the same time, the comparer feels that he is “losing”.
Envy occurs in many social contexts—between colleagues, siblings, and friends. Unlike jealousy, envy focuses on a hierarchy important to a person and their status. But often, these feelings are mixed. You can envy an opponent if you think he is more successful, which attracts a partner in him.
Envy is not included in the “basic palette” of emotions – it is considered complex. Envy can contain different emotions: shame, guilt, resentment, sadness, anxiety, and anger. The specific set depends on the person who experiences these emotions. Some people get angry that someone else is more successful than them and don’t feel guilty about it. Others may feel ashamed of themselves for being envious because they think it is an “ugly” feeling.
Envy is the Engine of Evolution
Why wish bad for someone who has surpassed us in some way? Scientists believe there is nothing criminal in envy – it is peculiar to us because we are people. From the point of view of evolutionary psychology, emotions in humans appeared and were fixed in the course of natural selection as a warning system. They signal that you need to pay attention to something in the internal or external environment – and take action.
Envy is an ancient part of this built-in alarm. Negative experiences signal that someone has a competitive advantage. The driving part of the self-assessment allows you to compare yourself to others. And it plays an important role in successfully competing for resources and partners during evolution. Envy prompts either to take away something valuable another has or to get it on their own. Those who did not feel uncomfortable in a situation of someone else’s advantage were invariably outflanked by more envious rivals. According to evolutionary psychologists, this helped humans survive as a species.
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People hide envy not only to “save face” but also to lose the opportunity to influence others.
The evolutionary theory of envy also explains why people tend to hide the fact that they have this feeling for someone. Both men and women are so reluctant to admit to envy that scientists are often forced to study this emotion through phenomena closely related to it – for example, a feeling of hostility. Research shows that such hostility manifests indirectly, such as spreading rumors about the person being envied. This is an evolutionary strategy: to successfully compete for resources or a partner, you must present yourself in a more favorable light against rivals, including by undermining the reputation of a competitor. That is, envy is aimed at turning social comparison in its favor.
People hide envy not only to “save face” but also not to lose the opportunity to influence others. For example, if you openly admit to being jealous of a colleague who got promoted instead of you, you can spoil your relationship with him and the team. But if we keep silent about this, there are much more options for action – albeit obviously not the most impeccable from the point of view of morality.
Evolutionary reasons explain why envy, as a rule, is caused by people close to us in terms of age, income, and social status. Scientists explain this by the example of a wealthy neighbor and billionaire. There is no point in envying a billionaire: he is so superior in abilities or luck that no effort will bring him closer to this level of wealth. This is a waste of time and resources – and envy. On the other hand, a neighbor is hardly much smarter and luckier, so there is a point in envying and competing with him for a place in the sun.
The Two Sides of Envy
Psychologist Niels van de Ven was inspired by the fact that the Dutch language has two words for envy. He suggested two kinds and confirmed this in a series of studies. Participants from different countries were asked to recall times when they experienced envy to record the feelings associated with this experience. And then people were asked to take a “gloating test” – to imagine that the person they envied got into trouble.
Light (soft) envy is usually referred to in Russian as “white envy”. This is an “inspiring” feeling: a person who is superior to you in some way evokes sympathy, and you want to get close to him. And it motivates them to improve their positions. In this case, a person deserves what he has achieved, and there is no hostility towards him. And envy itself is rather directed not at a person but at what he possesses. As scientists note, it is still possible to feel frustration or experience a sense of inferiority. But the overall experience of experiencing such envy is still mostly positive.
The second type is malignant, “black envy”. In this case, the “envious” is focused on the person who annoys him greatly. I want him to lose his advantage – and the failures of this person cause gloating. This is a negative experience: people who experience this kind of envy perceive the other’s good fortune as an injustice to themselves. In this case, “envious” is more likely to harm the opponent. Scientists note that the experience of such envy explains why this feeling is considered a “sin”, but people experience it differently inside themselves. If they are ashamed of their feelings, then to a small extent, they even consider their feelings morally justified.
Envy hurts. Literally
The Greek philosopher Aristotle defined envy as pain caused by the happiness of others. It turns out that envy feels like pain, just like when we get our hearts broken. This is confirmed study from 2009
The study was carried out in an MRI scanner. Each participant was asked to imagine themselves as the main character in a social situation where there were characters above and below him in status, with more or fewer achievements. When confronted with characters the subjects felt envious of, regions of the brain associated with physical pain were activated. Moreover, the higher the participants rated their envy, the more these areas “ignited”.
In the second part of the study, the subjects were allowed to imagine the failures that occurred in the characters-objects of envy. In this case, the reward system in the brain was activated, and the more acute the envy, the more dopamine the “envious” people received from gloating.
The neural mechanisms of envy and gloating turned out to be closely related, including the intensity of the experience. One of the study’s authors compares this to the effect of hunger: the stronger this feeling, the more intense the satisfaction we get when we finally manage to eat.
Who jealous
According to a study, young adults are the most envious, and they often envy their peers of the same sex.
More than 1,700 people aged 18 to 80 participated in the study. Almost three-quarters of those surveyed admitted they were jealous of someone over the past year. At the same time, there were slightly more “envious” than “envious”.
In the age group under 30, about 80% admitted that they had experienced strong envy over the past year, and among people over 50, it turned out to be less – about 69%. Time does not cure envy but reduces the frequency of this emotion (or the desire to admit it).
Most often, participants in the study were jealous of people of their gender in all areas, including financial and professional success. This somewhat surprised the scientists: they expected that women would be more likely to envy men, who, as a rule, occupy higher positions and earn more. But it turned out that this was not the case.
According to the study, men are more likely than women to envy professional success. And women are more likely than men to envy someone else’s appearance.
It also turned out that the reasons for envy change with age. Younger participants in the study were more likely to envy other people’s romantic successes, while older participants were more likely to envy money and social achievements. This is probably because priorities change with age.
We envy more what the opponent has in store than he already has.
Alien Future Enviable Past
Many emotions are more intense on the eve of events than after them. For example, it is much more disturbing on the eve of a difficult exam than after it. Psychologists have found in a series of studies that this is also true of envy. We envy more what the opponent has in store than he already has. And envy itself hurts less and less over time.
In the first study, each participant had to imagine their close friend getting what they wanted for themselves: a promotion at work, a fantastic vacation, or buying a dream car. One part of the subjects described their feelings a few days and weeks before, the other – after. It turned out that an identical hypothetical scenario causes less envy if the event has already happened.
The results were confirmed in real conditions. In February 2017, scientists measured the level of envy of subjects every day for a peer who goes on a date on Valentine’s Day. The intensity of envy grew to the “X-day”, but on February 15, it fell and remained at a relatively low level until the end of the month. In February 2018, the study was repeated, and the dynamics remained the same.
Scientists also found that time affects “white” and “black” envy differently. Participants in studies after the trigger event were less likely to report “black envy” and associated negative experiences (frustration, hostility, and hostility). And “white envy” and positive feelings (inspiration, a surge of motivation, sympathy) after the event remained either at the same level or intensified.
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Social Media Can Increase Envy
Studies show that social media users often experience envy. This is due to social comparison – we inevitably notice that someone has surpassed us in some way (or wants to create such an impression). Some brag about their new work. Others share gifts from fans. Others post a million vacation photos.
According to scientists, this can greatly reduce mood and even lead to depression. At the same time, the most dangerous is the scrolling mode, “passive use,”: when social networks are used to observe what other people have posted and not interact with them.
According to another study, comparisons on social media with those we consider better than ourselves can lead to different feelings. This can cause negative feelings – envy, hostility, depression, and shame, and positive ones – inspiration, optimism, and admiration. Scientists have found that when close friends are successful, feelings on the positive spectrum are more likely to arise, and in this case, envy and depression are less likely.
How to Deal with Envy
Scientists agree that not envy at all, most likely, will not work. There is no escape from comparing yourself to others. Inevitably, someone will be more successful than us in something which will only sometimes please us. But you can learn to deal with envy and even turn it to your advantage.
Admit That You Are Envy
It is only sometimes possible to immediately understand what you feel for another person is envy. This is because it can manifest in a complex mixture of other emotions. For example, you can get angry at someone or upset when you see his post with another happy photo. In addition, we are told from childhood that envy is bad, so we can suppress this feeling, not admit it to ourselves and not be aware of it. It is important to call emotions by their proper names – this is the only way to reduce their intensity and understand what to do with them next.
If you are upset when you see a photo of a friend from vacation in the feed, try to figure out what upset you.
Thoughts that suggest that you are experiencing precisely envy may look like this:
- “Why do some people have everything, while others do not get anything?”
- “I work here for days, while others relax and have fun!”
- “He is already at sea for the third time this year, and I hardly leave the house.”
Try to understand what you are missing: maybe it’s time to take a vacation from work, or it will get better if you get out for walks more often. Jealousy can make it clear which need is not closed – which means it will be easier to achieve the goal.
Also, try to be compassionate and understanding towards yourself. Of course, envy is unpleasant, but you should try not to “spread rot” yourself for this feeling. Otherwise, you may feel even worse. The success of others does not make us failures, and envy does not make us terrible people. It’s just part of life.
The success of others does not make us failures, and envy does not make us terrible people.
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Resist Negative Comparison
At the core of envy is often the feeling that another person’s success puts an end to our abilities and accomplishments. To withstand a blow to pride and not let self-esteem collapse, you must try to objectively assess the difference between the qualities of an opponent and your own.
For example, if you’re jealous of a colleague who got promoted instead of you, you might try asking yourself,
- “What’s the difference between our skills?”
- “What if we have different priorities?”
- “Maybe he asked for a raise instead of waiting for the boss to figure it out?”
On closer examination, a colleague is great at organizing the work of a team, and you are better than him at managing a project. Or for example, a colleague likes to file reports and make presentations, but you hate that. The point is to see that it is like comparing oranges and apples: they are different, and one fruit is not worse than another. So the team equally needs both project managers and managers.
Turn Envy Into Motivation
According to the study, admiration and “black envy” do not strongly motivate a person to work on himself and achieve better conditions.
According to the researchers, admiring is like giving up and admitting defeat, agreeing that you will never reach the same heights. And a person experiencing “black envy” considers the advantages of an opponent undeserved and is more motivated to “drown” him than to work on himself.
But in the case of “white envy”, motivation increases, and a person begins to make more efforts to achieve his goals.
Seek Help
If envy takes over and can’t be dealt with, it can be helpful to explore it in therapy. A psychologist can help you figure out what exactly is behind envy and learn how to deal with it.
For example, envy emphasizes our goals and desires in life – after all, we often envy those who achieved this before us. In addition, the therapist can help shift attention from other people’s achievements to their talents and help to discover and develop them.
