Parting with a loved one is a difficult psychological test that is almost always accompanied by strong emotions. We all react differently to the end of a relationship: some require more time to heal all emotional wounds and begin moving forward, while others require less. I will tell you how to survive a breakup and give useful tips.
Why Do We Feel Bad After A Breakup?
At the very beginning of a love relationship, dopamine, and oxytocin are produced in the brain. When a partner is nearby and everything is fine with us, the so-called reward system is activated. We experience joy and euphoria. If we continue to stay together, we get used to each other very much: common memories, jokes, and experiences appear. It becomes difficult to imagine your life without the person you love. After parting, the previously mentioned reward system, which gave a feeling of happiness and joy, stops working, and the body may begin to “withdraw.” Stress hormones are produced and affect the digestive, immune, and cardiovascular systems. In addition, the systems responsible for the perception of pain are activated. That is why it seems to our brain that we are experiencing physical pain, although in fact, everything is in order with the body.
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After a breakup, it is very important to receive support from outside (from family or friends), as well as to provide it yourself. It can help alleviate the painful reaction.
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has developed a theory of how people experience the loss of a loved one. Later, psychologists came to the conclusion that when parting with a partner, a person can go through the same 5 stages of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We can go through them in any order or return to the stages already completed. You can start with depression, slip through anger, and then get stuck in denial. Therefore, it is very important not to be afraid to ask for help from relatives or a psychologist.
How To Deal With Grief After A Separation
1. Try To Accept The Situation
Denial is the first stage that awaits us after a breakup. Very often, in the beginning, we simply refuse to accept the fact of the end of the relationship. We can continue to make plans, believing that the partner will return soon. This helps in the short run but can delay recovery. If necessary, cry, grieve, grieve. But catch yourself when you start to deny the situation. Talk to yourself about what happened.
2. Try Not To Reproach Yourself Or Your Partner
The next stage is anger. If they leave us, we may become angry with ourselves and feel that we are not worthy of a good relationship. The opposite occurs: anger is directed at the former partner; you want to offend, insult, and hurt him or her. The breakup initiator can get angry too. There is anger at the circumstances when the separation is forced, for example, because of a move. These are natural reactions that need to be given time. No emotion can last forever.
It can be detrimental not only to the person who was abandoned, but also to the person who initiated the breakup.Even if you made the decision to end the relationship, you will most likely be unable to escape your emotions.You may be tormented by guilt and fear that this is all a big mistake.
Often, the urge to get back in a relationship comes from the thought, “I got dumped because I’m a bad person.” But this is not always the case. Both partners can be good people but with different outlooks on life, goals, values, interests, and tastes. In this case, the breakup is not related to the fact that someone in the couple behaved badly. Breaking up is just a choice. Yes, it is most often very painful and unpleasant, but he does not appreciate you in any way. Forgive yourself for everything you didn’t do or, on the contrary, did in the relationship, and try to forgive your partner. Take with you into the future what you have learned in relationships and what you have invested in them.
3. Do Not Bargain With Yourself Or A Partner
“I will do everything if you give me one more chance.” “We can do everything; just change for me.” This is a natural reaction: we begin to negotiate in order to delay the breakup or find a way out of a problematic situation. But if you or your partner have already made a firm and informed decision to break up, try not to give in to it. Any decision is important to respect, regardless of who initiated it. To make it easier for you to get over the breakup, you can take a piece of paper and write on it all the reasons why you broke up. And in moments when strong doubts will overcome you, take it out and reread it.
4. Allow Yourself To Suffer
When you come to the realization that it is impossible to restore a relationship, you can fall into despair and sadness. During this period, you do not need to force yourself to live as if nothing happened. There is no need to invigorate artificially. If you feel like crying, cry; if you feel like screaming, scream. Remember that all emotions are valid.
It is very important not to suppress emotions but to live them. You can use psychotherapy techniques for this. For example, allot 10–15 minutes to some emotion (despair, anger, longing, etc.). Give it to her only this time.Throw out everything that has accumulated; don’t think of anything else. Allow yourself to suffer to the fullest. After this practice, you will most likely feel relief. You may notice that in 15 minutes you are “bored” by emotions that seem to never go away. In addition, if you do not suppress them, their intensity will decrease over time.
5. Get Out Of The “As Before” Trap
Change is an inevitable part of life, and there is no escape from it. Breakups are no exception. Try to reconcile, accept what happened, and find the strength to live on. If it helps, remove any gifts or things that remind you of your ex and your happy time together. Remove painful memories from your playlist. The less you mentally return to the past, the faster and easier you will be able to recover from a breakup or divorce.
6. Try To Find Support Within Yourself
In order to successfully survive parting with your beloved man or woman, it is very important to find support in yourself. Treat yourself as carefully as possible, and please, at every opportunity, Do what works well for you, gives you confidence in yourself, cheers you up, soothes your soul, and makes you feel stronger.
You can make a list of activities that will undoubtedly aid in resource restoration. As soon as it “covers,” immediately refer to this list: choose any activity and proceed. It can be anything: dancing, drawing, traveling (even to a neighboring city), helping those in need, watching a movie, walking, cleaning, or meditating. Create your own personal list and check in regularly to rebuild.
7. Don’t Rush To Start A New Relationship.
Often, a person tries to close a hole in the soul by looking for a new partner. But this is usually a bad idea; it is better to deal with your emotional state first. If you’ve recently broken up with someone, you may feel like you can’t handle the emotional pain and that you need to find solace urgently. A breakup may be preceded by years of unsatisfactory relationships and a sense of lost time. Therefore, there is a desire to fill it right now.
Psychologists do not recommend entering into a new relationship immediately after a break. First, it is important to realize that pain and sadness are natural. Difficult emotions are best lived, not suppressed. Secondly, jumping into a new relationship closes the path to a deep reflection on the old ones. Having comprehended the previous difficulties, you can formulate a list of aspects that suit you and those that do notealize that pain and sadness are natural. Difficult emotions are best lived, not suppressed. Secondly, jumping into a new relationship closes the path to a deep reflection on the old ones. Having comprehended the previous difficulties, you can formulate a list of aspects that suit you and those that do not. This will help you understand what you exactly want to see in a new relationship.
Third, your need for healing and comfort may not match your new partner’s expectations. Perhaps he is looking for an easy romantic relationship in which there will be no heavy burdens and problems from the past. The gap between expectations can hurt both of you.
When entering a new relationship after a previous one that just ended, you should ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” What do I want? “Can I get it some other way?”
It is important to enter the first relationship correctly after a previous breakup. Don’t rush things. Don’t expect new relationships to be “the one.” Let everything develop gradually.
8. Find a New Hobby
To bounce back after leaving your loved one, try to fill your life with enjoyable activities. Perhaps in the past, you were more concerned with your partner than with yourself. In this case, after parting, you can start doing what you have long wanted but could not do in a relationship. Now you have the opportunity to find a hobby, give yourself up to it, and have new experiences that will gradually help you “get over” the breakup.
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When the intensity of emotions subsides, we may reflect that we have never felt more free and authentic. Looking back, it is clear when and where we were willing to make concessions, and when we were not. This will be the most important result of any separation: it helps to make us stronger and brings us closer to understanding ourselves.
9. Take Care Of Your Body
During such difficult and not the most pleasant changes in life, it is very important to remember that you are in an unusual state: your body is under stress, and it is hard for it. Try to help yourself as much as possible: eat well, get enough sleep, do morning exercises, and eat the food that gives strength and brings pleasure. Maybe before all this helped, there was a partner. Now it is very important to learn how to give yourself love and care, no matter how difficult it may be at first. Support yourself.
- Create morning exercise reminders, whether they are stickers in the bathroom or reminders on your phone. Try not to skip the warm-up; do it for at least 10 minutes a day.
- Try to eat well, even if you don’t feel like it at all. Cook or order your favorite food and listen to your body’s signals. You can try to cook something unusual several times a week. A new hobby will help you get distracted and deal with the stress of parting with your loved one faster.
- Try to pull yourself together and develop a routine: set alarms that will remind you of the need to go to bed and wake up on time. If you can’t fall asleep for a long time, try meditating before bed.
What Not To Do When Breaking Up
If you had a bad relationship in the past, don’t romanticize it. Fear of loneliness can cause you to return to only positive memories and erase negative ones.
Do not blame only yourself or only your partner; relationships always occur between two (or more) people.
Addictions should not be used to numb or alleviate pain. Substances and working 24/7 dull suffering for a while, but do not help to recover.
It is very important not to forget about the mental state. If you feel that you cannot cope on your own, contact a psychologist. Therapy will help you cope with trauma and teach you how to live with negative emotions. And it can also become that new experience through which you see the world in a different way.
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