What if something goes wrong in therapy, but it’s scary to talk about it? We understand why we sometimes experience these emotions, and how we can correct the situation.
What to do if something goes wrong in therapy? And it’s scary to talk about it. We will explan why we sometimes experience these emotions, and how we can correct the situation.
According to studies, up to 93% of clients do not tell a psychologist about something or distort the facts about their lives. This happens for various reasons, but one of them is the reluctance to “upset the psychologist.”
How It Happens
We Don’t Say We Don’t Like Therapy
There are many types and methods of psychotherapy. All psychologists work differently. In addition, personal impressions, associations and contact between the psychologist and the client are important here. Therefore, sometimes the therapy may not be suitable or not to the client’s liking – and this is completely normal. If this is stated directly, the psychologist can adjust the process, try other techniques, and in extreme cases, refer the client to a colleague.
But it can be scary to say that something does not suit you. We pretend that therapy is pleasant and brings results.
We Don’t Tell What’s Happening Bad
Katya goes to therapy and works to save a relationship that is in crisis. She honestly follows the recommendations of a psychologist, learns to hear herself and talk with a partner. But suddenly he finds out that the partner has installed Tinder and goes on dates secretly from her. This is a blow that should be worked out with a psychologist. In addition, this is new information that will change the course of therapy. But Katya chooses to keep silent about it.
And here is Anton, who has been working on depression for half a year. At first the therapy worked, but now he is getting worse. It is more difficult for Anton to work, relationships with loved ones are collapsing. But before each therapy session, he “pulls himself together” and in a cheerful voice tells the psychologist how he is on the mend.
In both cases, the client hides some facts – it doesn’t matter if they are about themselves or about another person. At the same time, the psychologist is sure that the therapy is proceeding correctly.
We Don’t Follow The Psychologist’s Recommendations
The psychologist does not give advice, but may give recommendations and homework. For example, track and record your condition, analyze different life situations, apply new communication skills.
It may be difficult for the client to follow the recommendations. He may not be able to do anything. Sometimes tasks seem stupid, incomprehensible, far-fetched. But instead of discussing it in the session, the client pretends that everything is in order.
Why Are We Behaving Like This?
It would seem that we pay significant money for psychotherapy, and it is completely illogical to sabotage it. Nevertheless, the situation is somehow familiar to many who have ever gone to a psychologist. There may be several reasons for this.
We Were Taught Not to Upset Others
“Why did you hurt Masha? You didn’t let her play with your car, and look – now she’s crying! As children, we were taught to share our favorite toys, not to whine in lines, and to endure if something is not pleasant in kindergarten. We have grown up and still know how to ignore our own feelings, so as not to upset others.
This is reflected in the relationship with the psychologist. After all, he is “trying for us,” and he must be pleased.
We Are Afraid of the Negative Reaction
“Suddenly the psychologist will say that it’s all my fault?”. Close people could be offended or angry when they heard the unpleasant truth – and we transfer this experience to relationships with a psychologist.
This fear is a special case of the fear of being rejected. Deep down there may be the belief, “If I’m not nice and comfortable, I’ll be abandoned.”
Psychologist All-Still Should Be Upset?
A psychologist is a specialist who helps you take responsibility for your own life, solve problems and become happier. And this is a very difficult task. He understands and knows in practice how many obstacles can stand in the way of the goal. Therefore, feedback, even negative, will not upset the psychologist. The more information he has, the more efficiently he will work.
But what if emotions and old habits win?
Ask Yourself Why It Matters To You To Be Good
The next time you feel like writing something for a therapy session, stop and immerse yourself in your emotion. Ask yourself a few questions:
- What exactly are you feeling right now? Maybe shame, self-doubt, fear?
- Have there been situations in your life when you felt something similar? Tried to hide the nasty things to “look good”?
- Is your psychotherapy somewhat similar to those situations?
- What feelings would you like to evoke in a psychologist? Respect? Delight? Pride?
- Why is it so important for you to get this reaction from a psychologist?
The answers to these questions will help shed some light on the underlying reasons for your reluctance to upset the therapist. Often behind this reluctance are unresolved problems in relationships with other people.
Rationalize Fear
State what you are afraid of. For example:
“The psychologist will say that I am a hopeless client and stop therapy.”
“The psychologist will decide that he is a worthless specialist, and he will feel bad because of me, and I will be ashamed.”
“The psychologist will think that I treat him badly personally and do not try.”
Clearly describe the fear. Now try to bring the maximum number of arguments for and against it. For example, let’s look at the first case:
“The psychologist will say that I am a hopeless client and stop therapy”
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Look at your arguments. Which of them seem more significant to you? Which ones are more based on facts, and which ones are more based on your emotions? What do you think is most likely to happen?
Our fears are often based not on objective reality, but on speculation and past negative experiences. It is important to learn to look at them rationally – then fears will cease to guide your actions.
Discuss Problems With a Psychologist… With a Psychologist!
It is not necessary to immediately tell everything that you have kept silent about for fear of upsetting the psychologist. It is enough to start with the fact that you have this emotion.
Since this is a common problem, the psychologist knows how to deal with it. And believe me, he will not be offended by you! Criticism and generally subjective assessment in relation to the client is an ethical violation.
Think of therapy as a field for experimentation. You can’t ruin a relationship with a psychologist, his task is to help you. Try to talk about difficult things, overcoming the fear of a negative reaction. By doing this in a safe space with the host, you can practice being open. Later on, it will be easier for you to be sincere with other people.
