Sometimes you want to dissolve in a partner – to completely share his hobbies, spend all the time together and be one. In such situations, it is difficult to remember about yourself: to separate your emotions and desires and to maintain boundaries. Together with a psychologist, we understand what codependent relationships are and what they are.
What is a Codependent Relationship
In a codependent relationship, a person limits his freedom: he is emotionally, financially or physically dependent on someone. At the same time, the partner seems to be the only source of resources, so relationships very much determine the life of codependents. This type of interaction can occur not only between romantic partners. For example, if a person is addicted to alcohol, the safety of family members depends on his condition and behaviour. Their relatives feel that they must save him from this addiction.
Emotional Dependence
A person in early childhood may not receive sufficient support from their parents. In adulthood, he will seek to compensate for the feeling of care and calm. Suppose a person feels this only in a relationship. In that case, he will become fixated on a partner and dependent on the emotions this partner broadcasts.
For example, if a girl wakes up annoyed, the guy’s mood also deteriorates: “She doesn’t seem to feel happy with me. It’s my fault”.
In healthy relationships, people express empathy and support but separate their emotions from those of others. For example, a guy understands that the reasons for a girl’s bad mood may not be related to him and his behaviour.
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Material Dependence
Emotional codependence can be supplemented by material. For example, a guy has financial difficulties. Still, he is not looking for a job to pay rent and order groceries. Instead, he expects the girl to solve all his financial problems while he is looking for himself and thinking about what he wants to do. As a result, she feels that she must be responsible for her partner, and this causes anxiety and a sense of instability.
There may be another situation: one of the partners is financially dependent due to circumstances. Let’s say he went on maternity leave or lost his job. He has to ask for money for every little thing, increasing his anxiety.
Why Codependent Relationships Are Dangerous
A partner with more power starts an emotional swing: he either provokes scandals or behaves gently and caringly in relationships.
This is violence, which can be:
- Physical – the partner shows the cruelty and then repents and atones for guilt. Then the cycle repeats. One of the partners constantly violates and blurs the boundaries of the other.
- Psychological – this type of violence is called gaslighting. One of the partners creates situations where the other doubts his emotions or his own adequacy. For example, a partner thanks you today for preparing breakfast before work. And the next day, he gets angry and claims he hates having breakfast at home and never does that.
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What are the Signs of a Codependent Relationship?
A person feels that his needs are not being met.
It seems to the codependent that the partner should think about his needs. When this does not happen, instead of asking directly, the codependent person may begin to blame themselves. The second codependent partner may pretend not to know about the needs of a loved one, therefore, not satisfy them.
Suppose one of the partners wants the other to constantly say how much he loves him and how much he appreciates the relationship. Instead of asking directly, he will think, “If he doesn’t tell me every day that he loves me, the problem is with me. It would be best if you tried harder. But why doesn’t he notice how much I do for him?
A codependent person waits for his partner to change and notice the efforts, but this doesn’t happen.
For example, a person agrees to visit his partner’s parents, who do not like him. But the partner does not appreciate this and refuses to go to meetings with friends in return. The codependent feels like a victim or a martyr who suffers for the sake of the relationship.
For a codependent person, the partner and his reactions are at the center of the attention.
Suppose, instead of the words “He is angry, he is dissatisfied”, the constructions “We are angry, we are dissatisfied” appear in the speech.
If the partner doesn’t like something, the person blames himself for it.
He believes he did not try hard enough to make his loved one feel good. For example, a husband has been choosing a hotel for a long time. His wife is not satisfied with everything in his choice: the food is tasteless, the staff is rude, and the sea is stupid. The wife constantly complains that she cannot relax in such conditions. The husband feels guilty for not being able to foresee such problems. He feels he should have tried harder and looked more closely for feedback.
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How Normal Relationships Become Codependent
Healthy relationships start like this:
- A person meets someone they find interesting.
- The two spend more time together and evaluate how safe and comfortable they feel with each other.
- People feel good, and they manage to negotiate and discuss problems.
- A bond develops into a relationship.
People with codependency tend to skip the safety stage. Some person subconsciously seems close to them because it reminds them of what was missing in childhood. Relations develop quickly, they have a lot of expectations, emotions and categoricalness. Their personal interests disappear, and partner interests that a person does not want to share are perceived as threatening relationships. All joys and problems, on the contrary, become common. If disagreements nevertheless appear, one of the codependent people feels guilty for this and concedes to the partner.
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What Are The Types Of Codependent Relationships
Codependency in a relationship is affected by both partners. One is ready to give himself, and the other accepts this sacrifice. Roles in relationships can be distributed in different ways. There are such options.
Parent and Child
One partner is infantile: he constantly expects praise and positive evaluation, refuses to make decisions and takes responsibility. The second partner encourages this.
Rescuer AND Victim
A person seeks to protect a partner from problems or save them, for example, from alcohol addiction. At the same time, he will feel guilty for the partner’s actions on his own: he gets drunk or cries again because he started doing a burning project late.
Aggressor AND Victim
One partner is constantly controlling, jealous or violent. The second agrees to control and reproaches. He hopes his loved one will appreciate it and everything will work out. For example, he thinks: “If I stop communicating with other people, my partner will feel how much I love him. Then he will go on dates with me again, not just to parties with friends.”
Why You Can’t Just Get And End A Codependent Relationship
Getting out of a codependent relationship is hard because the person may not even know they are in it. This understanding often comes only when something terrible has happened, or a person feels that his basic settings are being violated. For example, a wife finds out that her husband deceived colleagues and borrowed money, which he then lost on sports betting. Then the image of the partner changes, and the wife begins to notice that the relationship is not as ideal as it seemed.
Contact a psychologist if you feel you have ceased to be yourself next to your partner. It will help you understand if your relationship is codependent and figure out what to do with it.
What To Do If Your Loved One Is In A Codependent Relationship
If you feel like your friend is in a codependent relationship, you can try to help them. The main thing – does not become the third in his communication with a partner. This will grossly violate your friend’s boundaries, and perhaps, he will want to move away from you.
Ask if the loved one wants to know how you see his situation.
Your words can be taken with hostility if the person is not ready to accept them. But when he already feels something is wrong, an outside opinion will help him take a sober look at the situation.
Show that you are ready to support him.
Codependent people often feel that no one but their partner will accept them. Make it clear that you can always listen to a loved one or find a place where he will be safe. For example, say that a friend can call you anytime they need help.
