Emma and Mia are the same age and went to law school together. Emma has not been working by profession for a long time – she is a freelance designer. Sometimes she comes across cool projects, but sometimes there are few orders. Emma likes her job, but the income could be better. So far, there is only enough money to rent a small one-room apartment.
Mia is an assistant manager at an international consulting company. She makes good money and travels a lot. But, as if there’s nothing to complain about, Mia feels like she’s hit the ceiling at work. They won’t increase it anymore, they won’t give more exciting tasks, and the salary won’t grow.
Emma is jealous of Mia’s high salary and the stability she has achieved. And Mia constantly compares herself with Emma – she has exciting projects, good work, and every chance to overtake Mia in the future. Soon the meeting graduates – Emma and Mia, are worried that, against the background of each other, they will look like losers.
The constant comparison of oneself with others interferes with life – deprives one of rest, takes a lot of strength, and does not allow one to enjoy success. It is like a competition that cannot be won—someone always ends up being more successful, affluent, prettier, or happier in a relationship. We tell you how to deal with envy and stop feeling like a loser.
Comparison Starts in Childhood
Mom set an example of an excellent student Olivia from a neighboring entrance. Teachers were compared to an older brother who won math olympiads. A swim coach once said that you were the worst performer in the group. Childhood is over, but you continue to compare yourself with others endlessly – often not in your favor. And at the same time, you think that only through comparison you can achieve something.
Parents and grandmother constantly compared Emma with classmates: “Amelia finished the quarter with only fives, and you got a four again, also in technology. Can’t you fold origami?” Emma studied diligently with tutors and graduated with a gold medal. Childhood is over, but Emma still doesn’t seem to be doing enough.
A week before graduation night, Emma starts to get worried. Mia will surely come to the parade and amaze everyone with stories from her fascinating life. Exciting work, constant travel, fashionable renovation in a vast apartment. What will Emma say? How did she successfully switch dresses at the swap party?
List Your Achievements
When we compare ourselves to others, we often underestimate our own accomplishments. It seems pointless to rejoice at what you have saved up for an apartment if a childhood friend Vova recently bought a second one and is now looking after a country house. Instead of being proud of yourself, you become frustrated that your accomplishments are worthless. It’s not like that – you tried hard to get to where you are now.
If you look closely, there is something to envy in your life, too – the easiest way to notice this is if you write down all your virtues and successes on paper.
To feel better, Emma sits down and writes a list. So many people dye their hair copper red – and Emma has such a beautiful color from nature. Yesterday she had a new customer – a major clothing brand. This is a fantastic project for which Emma will receive good money. Clients have found Emma themselves before, which means that word of mouth works great. Emma paid for a trip along the Lycian Way the other day, which she had long dreamed of. Emma thinks about her virtues and achievements, and her mood improves. Oh well, looks like she’ll have something to brag about at the reunion.
Use Envy as a Hint
It happens that in childhood, adults devalue the desires and successes of the child – they call his dreams “nonsense” or decide for him which circle to go to. This prevents the child from understanding what he wants and is good at. So he does what the environment approves of. And then he envies those who fulfill their natural desires.
Think about who you envy and why. Perhaps envy wants to tell you something important. For example, it reminds you that you still need to fulfill your old dream or are not doing what you want. Envy makes you aware of what you lack and can fix it.
As a child, her parents constantly told Mia what to do. The family believed it was essential to be the first in everything – then, you could be proud of yourself. Dad praised Mia for becoming class president and then a leader at work. She is used to living the way her parents like – now it is difficult for her to hear her true desires.
Mia is spying on Emma’s life on social media and realizes she wants to freelance too. At the same time, Mia realizes that she likes consulting. Private consultations? So she will do what she loves, but she will be able to plan her day. Mia promises to think about it over the weekend after the reunion.
When Comparison Becomes Destructive
Comparison is in our nature. It helps to navigate the world and survive. Vova’s hot-tempered classmate is twice as big as you – it’s better not to mess with him. Your favorite bars are cheaper in one supermarket than in another – you can walk 200 meters and save money.
Noticing and evaluating how others live is not necessarily a bad thing. However, comparison becomes destructive when it spoils the mood or worsens the relationship. For example, if you find it hard to communicate with a close friend because of jealousy or are furious whenever you see wedding photos on Instagram, your jealousy has become destructive.
A destructive comparison is demotivating and generates anger that we direct at ourselves. This happens if, in childhood, adults or friends point out the successes of others as something unattainable – “Amelia’s head works well. It will go far. Too bad you don’t have a knack for math.” The child feels frustration – it seems that nothing can be fixed. He thinks, “I will always be worse than Amelia.” Unexpressed aggression takes a lot of energy. It can be used to improve the quality of your life.
Alumni reunion tonight. Emma is in a good mood – she bought an elegant dress and came to the styling. While Emma is waiting for the master, she goes to Instagram – the tanned beauty Mia, who flew in from the Maldives in the morning, is watching from the screen. A positive attitude is blown away like a balloon – a chain of self-flagellation is launched. The dress could have been bought more elegantly. Emma’s styling never went, and she will never have money for something better. Emma feels powerless – “I sit at the computer all day, but I will never earn money for the Maldives”.
Unleash Your Anger
Do not scold yourself, and do not accumulate anger inside; instead, direct it outward – to the object of comparison, but not literally. You can express anger in many ways – talk to yourself, share it with a loved one, or write it out on paper. The main thing is that it should be a clearly articulated speech. Written or spoken, it doesn’t matter. When you express anger, the internal accusatory dialogue will be interrupted (“I’m a loser”, “I always have everything in one place”), and the strength to act will appear.
Emma drives home after packing to put on her dress. The whole trip pisses her off terribly that Mia is doing so well. Emma looks at herself in the mirror at home and feels like she’s about to throw a chair at it. If you do not give vent to emotions, she will do something terrible.
Emma sings a voice message to her friend and paints how she gets sick of the admiring comments under Mia’s perfect selfies. Mia took a selfie with her latest iPhone. Because Mia has so much money, you can only take some things with you at a time. And Mia herself got it! The voice goes out for 7 minutes – Emma feels relieved and energized. She decides not to send a voicemail because she’s feeling better.
Comparison With Others = Comparison With An Image, Not With A Real Person
We often envy what we have a vague idea about. So your classmate Fedya bought an apartment in Moscow. Now you are upset that he passed you. Envy does not allow one to think that Fedya took out a loan, plows three jobs, and quarrels with his wife every day over money because she lacks attention.
A taxi takes Mia from the airport to the office. Formally, the vacation has yet to end, but urgent tasks have appeared. Mia is annoyed: “Well, as always. They just hinted at me, and I’m already rushing like a dog to help everyone around.” She sees that Emma likes her new photo. Mia gets annoyed that Emma has her own day, and Mia has to adjust to her boss and clients.
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Look At The Situation Objectively
To deal with envy, you need to destroy the ideal image that has developed in your head. Is it really all that good? What difficulties does the person you envy face? Is there anything to envy at all? This is called the extended view. Seeing the big picture for yourself can be tricky—talking to loved ones, or a therapist can help.
Mia complains to the taxi driver that she hasn’t had a typical day off in a million years. Lucky for all bloggers and those who work for themselves – they rest when they want. The taxi driver disagrees – he gave a lift to a freelancer girl the other day. She said that she often makes urgent edits at night, and clients are in no hurry with payment. The girl complained that she had to demand money for work several times. The taxi driver’s words make Mia think – if you look at it this way, Emma’s life is definitely not perfect. If Emma really works at night, then Mia even sympathizes with her.
You Can Talk About Envy
Open conversation with the person you compare to can be therapeutic for both. When you say, “I envy you in …”, you recognize the value of what the other may underestimate in himself. It boosts his self-esteem. He can answer – “And I envy you in …”. It is an honest dialogue in which both parties approve of each other’s values. And they also admit to their imperfection – perhaps, in response to a revelation, you will hear that everything is not at all what you imagined.
Choose the right time and speak respectfully. Do not blame the person, and do not pour out anger on him through the cries of “How you piss me off.” The passive-aggressive counterpart of “They say your profession will soon die” will also not help to maintain a dialogue.
At the homecoming, Mia appears to Emma to be very beautiful and confident. Emma suddenly realizes how tired she is of being jealous and decides to speak frankly with Mia. She pulls Mia aside, “This may sound weird, but I’m so jealous of you!” Emma talks about how she spends hours staring at Mia’s photos on Instagram and feels like a failure without a proper job. Amazed, Mia interrupts Emma: “So I envy you too! I miss freedom and creativity so much.”
The evening is over, and the girls can not talk enough. Emma complains to Mia about constant instability and clients who don’t know what they want. And Mia complains that responsible work does not allow you to relax even on vacation. Mia is pleased that Emma admires her work. Consulting is really cool! Emma listens to Mia and cannot believe that she dreams of a free schedule. Emma never thought that it was her choice and took freelancing for granted. She decides to return home and immediately add this achievement to her list. The girls are the last to leave the reunion: they both feel relieved and grateful for what they have.
“I am being eaten by envy”, “Because of envy, I no longer communicate with my best friend”, and “I feel that without envy, it would be easier for me” – with all these requests, you can come to a psychologist. You can find a specialist with Online-Therapy. After registration, you can choose a professional you are sure of. If a psychologist doesn’t work for you, that’s okay – try another one.
