Together with a psychologist, we figure out how to learn to control emotions so as not to break out on relatives and colleagues. This is the second part of the material about aggression. In the first, we told how this feeling is formed. Now let’s share techniques and recommendations on how to recover if covered with anger.
Liam feels stressed about work but takes it out on his girlfriend, Olivia. Emma gets mad at Oliver’s colleague because he takes credit for her accomplishments on a project they’re working on together.
Name What You Feel
The first step is to recognize the anger before the explosion happens. If you feel tension, try to describe your condition. For example:
- “I’m angry now.”
- “I’m furious.”
- “I feel annoyed.”
Watching your body is a good way to notice that you are angry. When we are angry, our jaw tightens, our heart rate increases, and our nose’s wings swell.
If you are aware that you are angry, you can choose how to react to the situation rather than act impulsively.
Emma rubbed her temples – after calling, her head ached. Half an hour has passed, but she still cannot calm down. Emma postpones the report and asks herself what’s wrong with her. She feels angry at Oliver, but that’s not all. Emma is upset that Oliver is acting like they are rivals and not members of the same team. Emma becomes a little easier when she admits she is upset by this confrontation. I want to do something nice for myself: Emma gets up to get herself a bath.
Find The Cause Of Aggression
You seem annoyed by a narcissistic colleague or infuriated by a smartphone that has run out of power before an important call. But it happens that the real reason for anger is something else: for example, you still scroll through your morning quarrel with a partner in your head.
Look at aggression as your ally. Think about what or whom it is protecting you from. If you know exactly what made you angry, it will be easier to determine what to do next. Then, instead of saying something snarky to a colleague, you will call your partner and discuss the conflict.
Liam returns home alone. He is still angry at Olivia but realizes that he overdid it. Three days ago, the authorities announced that all departments would be reorganized. Liam worries about being out of a job. He took it out on Olivia because he felt powerless.
Liam knows he’ll be nervous until the job situation clears up. He decides that on Monday, he will go to the head and try to discuss everything.
Take A Break
When emotions are overwhelming, it’s hard to figure out where they came from. Remember that your perception of the situation may change in a minute – you may no longer want to react violently to what pissed you off. Take a break until the first emotions subside.
Try to stop and do a breathing exercise. Count in your mind to 4 – inhale, then to 7 – hold your breath, then to 8 – exhale. With deep breathing, you can quickly recover.
Do Ten Squats
. Exercise helps to release energy and feel that you are in control. You can squat, do ten push-ups, or go up and down the stairs.
While the bath is being filled, Emma opens the window and does some sit-ups. When she lies down in hot water with soft foam, the situation with Oliver no longer seems so oppressive. Emma feels that it is easier for her: now she can think about what to do next.
Catch Thoughts That Increase Aggression
Thinking errors are categorical judgments that evoke strong feelings, although they have little to do with reality. They are easy to recognize by the words “always”, “never”, “everything”, “forever” and “every time”:
- “Everyone is against me.”
- “He never helps me.”
- “She always does that.”
Such thoughts fuel anger. To weaken them, try to find a rebuttal to them. Let’s say you’re angry with a friend who promised to call back in 15 minutes but was gone for hours. Thoughts “He doesn’t put me in anything. I always start the conversation. He doesn’t care about our friendship” reinforce the anger.
Before sending an angry message:
- Try looking at the situation differently.
- Recall a time when you felt your relationship was important to a friend.
- Think about why a friend could not keep his word: there will certainly be reasons unrelated to you.
So you expand your view of the situation and stop seeing one negative scenario.
Liam doesn’t know how to talk to Olivia when she gets home. Yes, he went too far, but she is also to blame. Liam is still indignant: is it so difficult to get out on time?
Liam imagines Olivia chatting with co-workers while he waits downstairs – she’s always thinking about herself. Then he remembers that in the morning, Olivia said something about an evening meeting. It should have been moved for half an hour: maybe Olivia was delayed because of this? Liam promises himself that he won’t fight next time until he gets it right.
Be Mindful Of Yourself
Paying attention to your emotions is a skill that can be developed. Ask yourself several times a day, “How do I feel?” To form a habit, set reminders on your phone.
When you listen to yourself, you can notice discomfort in time and express emotions in a way that does not harm yourself and others.
A few days later, Emma calls Oliver and the boss again. She notices that she begins to seethe even before she opens Zoom. Emma does a breathing exercise and decides that today she will try to react differently.
When the boss asks how the week went, Emma is the first to speak. Oliver tries to interrupt her. Emma politely but firmly answers him: “Oliver, I will finish and give you the floor.” When the meeting ends, the boss praises Emma and offers to take on another project. Emma is proud of herself: today, she felt much calmer than usual.
Ask Loved Ones For Support
It takes time to learn to notice your feelings and prevent relapses. Tell your loved ones that you are learning to deal with aggression. If you slammed the door or sent a hurtful message that you later regretted, don’t act as if nothing happened. Be honest that you are upset about what happened and are trying to work on yourself.
In the evening, Liam apologizes to Olivia. He says he is ashamed of how he fell on the girl, although she warned that she might be late. Liam admits that he finds it difficult to control himself when upset about something.
Olivia suggests coming up with a safe word: when one of them realizes that the other is about to break, you can say “pumpkin”. This will help you stop and recover.
Liam is grateful to Olivia for the support – he feels it is easier to deal with aggression together than alone. He also thought about seeing a psychotherapist.
