Sometimes resentment against mom or dad haunts a person all his life. Together with a psychologist, we figure out how to stop blaming parents and feel better.
As a child, Liam’s father constantly broke the promises he made to his son. Said they were going to the movies at the weekend and then forgot about it. He said he would come to the prom and did not appear. Liam often felt like his father didn’t care about him. Many years have passed, but Liam is still angry with his father.
When Olivia was little, her mother used to compare her to her older sister all the time. She said that Olivia should take an example from Emma: she has more friends, teachers admire her, and she knows English better. Olivia grew up with the feeling that she was inferior to Emma in everything. She felt that her family loved her less. Now Olivia almost does not communicate with her parents – it is difficult for her to forgive her mother.
How Resentment From Childhood Interferes with an Adult
It Takes Strength
When we blame our parents and replay painful situations from childhood in our heads, we focus all our attention and strength on them. Resentment that cannot be changed paralyzes and makes you feel powerless.
Anger At Parents Affects Relationships With Others
If someone has not received something from their parents, they often try to satisfy this need in other relationships. For example, it requires care and support from a partner, which was lacking in childhood. The resentment becomes even stronger if the partner does not live up to expectations.
Resentment Causes Inner Conflict
A person who believes being angry with their parents is not good does not allow himself to show emotions. He may blame himself for the feelings. Suppressed resentment and anger do not disappear but intensify.
Liam’s mom has a birthday. As the whole family sits around the table, Liam remembers how many dinners and holidays his father missed when Liam was little. And mom never sympathized with Liam – she tried to justify her father. Father promised every time that he would be on time, but there were always more important things to do.
Liam convinces himself that he needs to improve relations with his dad – his parents are not getting younger, and losing them is scary. But it’s hard for him to even talk to his father.
Emotional Challenges When Your Dad Has No Empath
How the Position of an Adult Differs from the Position of a Child
In childhood, a child’s life depends on the parents. He believes what they say. Mom and dad are the closest and most influential people. Therefore, it is difficult for a child to defend boundaries and, for example, say: “I feel bad when you ask me not to cry,” or “I want to be alone.”
Unlike a child, an adult can take responsibility for his own condition: recognize the problem and figure out what can be done about it.
You can deal with resentment only from an adult position. It means admitting that you can’t change your parents or fix the past, no matter how much you want to. It also means that a person can take care to feel good in the present.
Break Relationships ≠ Don’t Feel Anger
Anger at another settles inside a person. It connects with the past with an invisible thread – you can be offended by someone who used to be close for many years. Even if communication with him is terminated or this loved one is no longer alive.
If communication with parents is painful, you can move away to feel calmer. But it will be possible to cope with resentment if you do inner work – on your own or with a psychotherapist.
Olivia calls her mom once a month. Conversations last up to five minutes. It’s easier: mom doesn’t know what’s going on in Olivia’s life, so she can’t evaluate and criticize.
Although Olivia is used to having little contact with her mother, Olivia thinks about her every day. When Olivia imagines her mother and Emma talking for hours on the phone and going to the pool together, she becomes sad.
In the second part, we will tell you what techniques will help to cope with resentment and whether it is necessary to talk with parents about the past.
If you feel it is challenging to deal with feelings for your parents on your own, try to find support from a specialist. It can be picked up at Online-Therapy.
