Sometimes you can hear from acquaintances: “Something you don’t take care of yourself at all”, “Dressing like a ragamuffin is your fashion like that?” And from time to time, such comments are given by the closest people – a partner, beloved colleague or best friend. In this case, it is difficult to figure out how to answer right off the bat. On the one hand, you respect the person and do not want to offend him with your answer. On the other hand, it becomes embarrassing for oneself.
Together with a psychologist, we tell why some people allow themselves to comment on the appearance of other people. We give psychotherapeutic techniques that will help defend the boundaries in such a situation.
Why People Criticize Appearance
Sometimes people don’t realize where their boundaries end and someone else’s begin. Therefore, they allow themselves to advise others on how to look and dress.
Usually it starts from childhood: children point their finger at something unusual and say, “Mom, look what a big nose Uncle has!” And then there is mass culture: movies, series, books, advertising. They partly form the idea of how to look cool, and how not so much. Therefore, from strangers you can hear something like: “Boys cannot wear pink clothes, because it is a female color.”
People also try to adhere to the norms that are accepted in a particular community: a country, a region, or a professional field. For example, the office has a business style, so a colleague decides that he is obliged to say: “Men should not paint their nails.”
People comment on the appearance of others because:
- Relieve tension – unconsciously criticize you when they themselves feel tense or insecure. For example, if a person has recently joined a company, he may try to assert himself through criticism.
- “Playing” – they say something unpleasant so that you respond in kind. This often happens in companies when a person wants to compete with you in front of others.
- Manipulate – a person knows how you will react to his words, and wants to achieve some goal. He can manipulate to ruin your mood, because he himself had a bad day.
The very criticism of appearance is of four types:
- Direct criticism – “Something you are completely overgrown”, “At your age it is indecent to walk in a miniskirt.”
- Advice – “We need to dress more feminine”, “You should pump up!” Often these phrases are added “I want the best.”
- Statement – “You have a bang, like that breed of dog”, “Before, such things were not worn, they could be laughed at.”
- Passive-aggressive questions – “Are you not afraid to walk around the yards in the evening?”, “Do you think at least one girl will pay attention to you in this form?”
How To Defend Your Boundaries
First of all, evaluate the safety of the situation: there are situations when it is better not to answer anything in order to avoid conflict. For example, you see that the interlocutor is aggressive and looking for a reason to quarrel – try not to react to criticism and end the dialogue.
If it was not a passerby who spoke about your appearance, but a friend or loved one, use these psychological techniques.
Hedgehog In The Fog
Infinitely specify what exactly your interlocutor did not like. As a result, the person will either calmly talk to you, or stop communicating. If your friend says, “Somehow you got yourself started”, you can start to find out what he means, and do this until the friend gets away from the topic.
Wrong:
“Look at yourself!”
Correct:
“Why do you think that I have a neglected look? What do you advise me to do with this? How to fix it?”
External Agreement
Simply agree with the interlocutor and do not waste time arguing or persuading. A person will certainly not check whether you followed his advice or not. For example, if your mom tells you, “Perhaps it’s time for you to find a diet,” you can simply agree and change the subject.
Wrong:
“Are you implying that I am fat?”
Right:
“OK, I’ll think about it”
Broken Record
Any phrases in the same way, do not put any emotions into them: “Thanks for the opinion, I will decide what to do.” This answer is suitable for any comment. For example, your sister tells you: “You look awful with that green hair!”
Wrong:
“Look at yourself”
Right:
“Thanks for the opinion, but this is my hair and I will decide what to do with it”
I Am As I Am
Agree with the comment and add that it’s just your feature. For example, if a grandmother says: “A woman shouldn’t be so skinny”, you can answer that you are just such a person and do not want to change this.
Wrong:
“You have such outdated ideas about beauty”
Right:
“Yes, I am thin by nature, nothing can be done about it”
Open Clarification
Directly tell the interlocutor that his words are unpleasant to you. For example, a partner hints that it’s time to stop eating sweets because you have a rash on your face. Are you worried about skin problems? Politely ask your partner not to discuss your appearance anymore.
Wrong:
“Do you love me less with them?”
Right:
“I know about my problem. Please don’t remind me of them, this is a difficult subject for me.”
Tailor The Method To The Interlocutor
The methods from the previous paragraph may not work if used in the wrong context. For example, if a passer-by said that he did not like your leather jacket, you should not tell him that such words offend you and you do not want to talk about it.
Use different techniques depending on how much you trust the person.
- You can talk to the person directly. These are the people you care about: partner, parents, brothers and sisters. With them, you can use any technique from the paragraph above.
- You communicate with a person, but not close. For example, with a colleague or neighbor. This is where “defensive” methods come in: “Broken Record” or “Outer Concord” work best. In the case of a person who influences your life, such as a boss, it is important to show your boundaries, which means the “I am like this” technique is suitable.
- You are in an unfamiliar company or social environment – for example, on the subway or in another country. With people you don’t know, it’s best to use External Consent and avoid further dialogue.
If you want to discuss your experience and find out how you should proceed, you can make an appointment with a specialist.
